Unfortunately No One Has Ever Been Punished Into Learning a New Skill

Is havoc happening at home? Are you at a loss when it comes to your neurodivergent kid’s intense behaviors?

image via Canva

We can’t let our kids get away with it… or CAN we?

Here’s a mindfulness practice and a parenting script to help you stop walking on eggshells and start leading by example. Join us for Unstuck & Understood: How to use connection to motivate your neurodivergent kid.

Sure, behavior is communication, but if your kid is saying something inappropriate, or acting rude, something must be done, right? We can’t just let them get away with bad behavior, can we?

What if they throw food in disgust? What if they scream “Get out of my room! I hate you!” What if they hit or kick? What if they lie to you? What if they simply refuse to put on their coat?

What do we DO about it?

For me, this is the hardest, most uncomfortable time to be a mindful parent, because I really itch to reach for the simplicity of consequences.

“How will my kid learn if I don’t teach him a lesson?”

This question is deceptive, because when people ask that question they are rarely talking about actually teaching. They are talking about the kinds of consequences that are really punishments. When we react in that way, the only thing kids learn is they don’t like the punishment. They don’t learn what to do instead of what they were doing. Unfortunately no one has ever been punished into learning a new skill. It is just not a thing.

My son was punished for something that happened at school this week, and I had so many thoughts. “No fair! Why do YOU get to take the easy way out? You’re actually getting paid to do this work of teaching social emotional skills. What is sitting in the Dean’s office going to teach him about rudeness?” When I talked with him he didn’t seem very concerned, so I let it go. I asked a few questions to see what he could do next time he gets frustrated and wants to call a classmate an idiot. Then he shut down the conversation and I let it go.

Whatever happens at school, as parents we get to stay anchored to unconditional love. We can be our child’s soft landing. We have infinite chances to get it right.

“The best that carrots — or sticks — can do is change people’s behavior temporarily. They can never create a lasting commitment to an action or a value, and often they have exactly the opposite effect…”

- Alfie Kohn

In mindful parenting, one skill at a time, we TEACH.

One of the things we teach? Respect. We can’t teach respect by telling kids that they must “respect their elders,” but by showing them clearly what respect looks like. We treat our kids with respect, even during their most out of control moments.

That is really hard to do, especially when the behavior is triggering to us. So we start with awareness of our own emotions. We learn to regulate those.

Then we can teach our kids by example rather than through consequences or coercion. We can put the relationship with ourselves first, by always checking in with our body and breath before reacting. When the relationship with our SELF is strong, we’re present. We’re grounded. We’re calm, but not cold or disconnected.

Try this with me now:

Mindfulness for Emotional Resilience

You can think of this short practice as a way to grow your emotional resilience, so you don’t have to walk on eggshells to avoid your uncomfortable feelings, no matter what havoc is happening in your home.

1. Put a hand on your heart. Breathe in and out of your heart.
2. You don’t have to close your eyes unless you want to. You can look around your space or out the window.
3. Recall a recent intense moment with your kid. As you place yourself in the uncomfortable moment, notice any changes in your breath or heart rate. Notice any changes in your body sensations.
4. Don’t try to change anything. Don’t get lost in the story. Notice and stay with your physical sensations for another breath or two.
5. Take a deeper breath to your belly and sigh it out slowly, returning to the present moment.

Notice how you feel after Mindfulness for Emotional Resilience. You may want to stretch or shake off any tension.

By pausing, we will have more perspective.

We may see that we created the urgency, and our kid’s behavior is really not an emergency. When we take a beat, all this can happen. We’re not giving up, we are gathering ourselves and moving out of urgency before responding.

During an explosive moment is not the time to teach. We can hold our child in love, ground ourselves, and do what we can to not escalate the situation. We can see the big picture and stay calm when our child isn’t capable of that. We can wait it out.

Then we can help our kids learn to make better choices, while giving them grace when they make mistakes. (If we don’t give ourselves grace, that will be hard.)

Outside of those more explosive, emotional moments, we can listen to our kids. We can empathize with them, and ask for their insight about the problem.

Some kids, like mine, hate talking about feelings. If your kid is the sort that gets prickly when you guess their feelings, or clams up at the mention of emotion, try unspoken empathy. A nod, thoughtful look, “hmmm,” or gesture may be enough for them.

You know your kid best, so you will intuitively understand how to modify parenting strategies for your family. Please trust yourself, AND please don’t be afraid to try something new. We cannot walk on eggshells around our kids, terrified to do anything wrong. Walking on eggshells will not prevent meltdowns. It isn’t your fault if your kid explodes. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.

Yes, we will mess up. It’s okay! No one has parenting down. Doing things wrong is literally how we learn.

Try this collaboration script we created for our parent coaching course:

It is inspired by Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child. I know it assumes a certain level of language and understanding, but you can adapt it to your child.

I started doing this with my son way before he had the ability to answer my questions. It reminded me that so much of his unexpected behavior is a lack of skills, and the rest is a desire to communicate. I had to teach him those skills, and I had to listen to the underlying message he was trying to tell me. Read between the lines.

This script reminds me to model my core value of respect.

Collaborative Solutions Script:

• Choose one small, solvable problem to start.
• Be curious.
• Let some problems go.

Remember that kids do well if they can!

In the moment: Is it a true emergency? Self-regulate and manage the environment.

Outside of the moment: Use this problem solving script. The first question should relate to one specific lagging skill. Don’t pile on or use judgmental descriptions.

1: State the problem in one sentence:

“It seems like you’re having a hard time with _________________. What’s up with that?”

Pause…

2: Empathize with your kid:

“That must feel _________. Is that right?” Or, give unspoken empathy.

Pause…

3. State your concern:

“The thing is______________________.”

4: Invite them to solve the problem:

“How can we solve this problem?”

Pause…

Here’s a printable pdf of this script to fill out and keep handy.

I’d love to hear your comments/questions about this if you try it. Don’t be surprised if it “doesn’t work” the first, second, third, or 50th time. What does it even look like if it does “work,” TBH? Here are some suggestions for troubleshooting: Repeat the empathy step. Be patient. Self-regulate.

image by author

If you’d like support and coaching as you try this new way of connecting with your neurodivergent child, we’ve got you covered! Do you need some help adapting mindful parenting to your neurodiverse family? You’re not alone. If you want some non-judgmental parenting support, join me and Amy Weber for a free masterclass: Unstuck & Understood: How to use connection to motivate your neurodivergent kid. Friday, March 3, at 12 noon EST on Zoom. Join live to connect and get your questions answered! The replay will be sent to everyone who signs up.

Here’s what you’ll learn:

• A mindfulness practice to ground you before connecting with your kid.
• A script to learn more about your kid’s challenges with motivation.
• How stay on the same team while you talk through the struggles together.

Okay, what are you going to do today to lead your child by example? Let me know in the comments or chat if you try the mindfulness practice or the parenting script.

Originally published on the Atypical Kids, Mindful Parents Blog. Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.