5 Tips for Teaching Autistic Kids Calming Breath
I seized a golden opportunity to teach my kid self-regulation.
I Am Literally a Breathing Expert
I hold professional training in pranayama, the evidence-based, ancient approach to breath awareness and breathing exercises.
My son has always rejected any breathing ideas I try to share with him. “That’s not my thing,” he says, “It’s YOUR thing.”
The problem is, the self–regulation strategies that are his “thing” aren’t working very well. You can’t conjure up a crunchy snack when you get hurt accidentally by a friend at the playground. You also can’t punch them while they are apologizing (if you want to maintain that friendship).
Breath is always there, available to help us get a little space from a stressful event before reacting. One slow exhale can mean the difference between violent retaliation and empowered self-regulation.
The Breakthrough Moment
Over the holidays, my family and cousins were swimming in a hotel pool. That’s our happy place. My son loves water and he loves his cousins. He loves playing Marco Polo in the pool, and making up other silly games. He’s a little insecure about his swimming abilities, and tends to be clingy with us (his parents). Now that he is bigger, that can get dangerous in the deep end. I want him to be safe and confident swimming independently.
My niece discovered that we could see our reflections in the skylight above the pool! It was really cool. Of course, we could crane our necks to look up from standing, but it was so much easier to float on our backs. My son was trying, but he kept sinking. He was getting frustrated.
I realized he was breathing while pulling his belly in, so his lower lungs weren’t fully inflating. I suggested the balloon breath — something he had rejected many times in the past, but at that moment he didn’t recall.
Balloon Breath
Imagine blowing up a balloon inside your belly. Let the balloon deflate slowly before filling it again. It is important that your breath expands your lungs down and out to puff out your waist, rather than just pushing out your gut without connecting it with breath. The slow exhale tells your nervous system to relax.
“As well as reversing the physical stress response in the body, deep breathing can help calm and slow down the emotional turbulence in the mind. Breathing can have an immediate effect on diffusing emotional energy so there is less reactivity.”
-Dr. Sheila Patel
Calmly Float Towards Success
My kid was motivated to achieve the skill of floating on his back to see his reflection. His body was relaxed in the shallow end of the pool. No one else was around so he didn’t feel embarrassed. Also, I didn’t let on how important it was to me. I was casual on the outside, even though I really wanted him to learn. Belly breathing has been pivotal for my own self-regulation and mental health.
He could tell I had the key to learning the skill because I modeled it for him. I made it very simple so he could experience instant success. I had no judgment, just curiosity. I tried to show with my body language that I wasn’t attached to the outcome, even though secretly I knew it was so important.
Lightbulb Moment
He did it, and I saw the lightbulb moment in his eyes. The look of pride on his face was so rewarding. When he was able to control the buoyancy of his body with his breath, he was no longer afraid. We laughed at our mirror images in the skylight, surrounded by ripples of aqua.
5 Tips to Teach Self-Regulation Strategies
I have found these five elements help set the stage for teaching self-regulation and other pivotal skills to my son. It takes patience to wait for the right moment, but it is worth it.
- Modeling: You have to practice a self-regulation skill if you want to teach it. If it is part of you, your child will see that. They will know if you are not confident in the skill, and they will know if you are, and respond accordingly.
- Motivation: Your child’s interests are their greatest motivator. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. However, if they are thirsty for the knowledge they will be lapping it up!
- Context: Offer to teach skills when you and your kid are relaxed and connected. Be aware of what could get in the way of learning. What is the environment? Who else is there? Is anyone hungry? Ideally, kids would practice in the context where they are most motivated, and then generalize to other contexts as the skill becomes a habit.
- Detachment: We really want our kids to succeed, feel capable and learn new skills. Forcing the issue doesn’t help. They may end up feeling ashamed or incapable. Pushing too hard could cause them to shut down, or reject a whole category of skills, like breathing. We all learn best when there’s less pressure on us. It is no reflection on you, even if they never learn the skill. Keep modeling it. I say to myself, he doesn’t get it right now. It means nothing about tomorrow, and it means nothing about my worth as a parent.
- Curiosity: Ask your child what they are trying to do, and ask if they want to learn something that might help. Ask how it feels when they get it for the first time.
Celebrate Effort — Yours and Your Child’s
For years I tried to get my son to learn a simple breathing practice. Once the necessary elements aligned, it just happened. A few principles helped me take advantage of a lucky moment to teach my son this valuable skill. The context was right, I could model the skill, and he was motivated. I didn’t push it, and I paid attention to his cues.
To be honest I don’t know whether the skill will generalize beyond the hotel pool to the next playground scuffle. I was glad he was willing to try it, and the lightbulb moment will stay with him on some level. I have to trust that I’ve done enough to guide him, and he can listen to his instincts when it comes to self-regulation.
I hope these tips will help you find the optimal moment to support your child when they are most ready for learning. Celebrate any tiny success with them, or move on to something else if they aren’t getting it today. Thank them for trying. Congratulate yourself for trying. Stay detached from the outcome, casual and curious as you wait patiently for the next golden opportunity!
Kate Lynch (she/her) has taught calming breath to thousands of students. She’s a yoga teacher and mindful parenting coach who helps highly sensitive parents self-regulate so they can enjoy parenting their atypical kids.
